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The Universal Reset
Friday, 11 March 2011
The Sims catalogue descriptions

Remember the good old days of The Sims Classic, where you could hover the cursor over an object or building material and get a short, often completely ridiculous description of the selected item?
Well, sure, you still kind of get that... I mean, in The Sims 3, you can hover over the furnishing objects and get a similar thing, but they're so badly written! I mean, they had to release three or four patches just to correct all the bad grammar and typography errors. There are no descriptions at all for the walls and floors beyond the overly-descriptive names given to everything.
The Sims Classic's descriptions were really high-quality in terms of grammar and spelling. Plus, there were more of them -- walls, wall coverings, floor coverings, plants, columns, staircases, pools, everything! Sometimes, there'd be an entire story (a short one, of course) in a catalogue description.

Some people have tried to get their own back by writing new catalogue descriptions. Of course, user-made ones were, more often than not, extraordinarily unprofessional. I'm sure you've all seen at least one description for a custom object...

...such as, The Resume...
SimSavvy Executive Set - Chair: The Boss's chair. Made by CrazyGoNuts32,"

...then, there's The Illiterate...
"Monoply board: lookin for som oldfasion fun??! heres a monoply bord for ur simss"

...for those who couldn't be bothered with descriptions, The Repeater...
"Man Chair: Man Chair."

...for those in foreign lands, The BabelFish...
"Compute R: This is computer has that with great of chips sound and chips video. For the next time, choose also too Compute R."

...and, of course, who could forget The Paranoid Copyright?
"Baby Blue Endtable: The Baby Blue Endtable, made by Chestibor Wingate. Copyright (c) 2002 Chestibor Wingate Inc. All rights reserved."

I always found it interesting that someone with enough knowledge to make a custom object with custom animations and custom sounds couldn't spell worth crap. For example...
"Violin: This is a violing for ur sims 2 use.. with daly prctise ucan sond as good or more better then the virtosus!!!!!!! Form Sacha's Sim Shop."

Of course, these are all terrible examples. Now, even though, when I started making stuff (I was, like, 12 at the time), I was guilty of The Paranoid Copyright on more than one occasion, I pride myself on professionalism. Call it good taste, call it snobbery, whichever. I thought that, as I haven't written anything here in more than a month, I would regale you with a few of my own Sims Classic catalogue descriptions...

"Econosoft Brand Name Computer: Not everyone who wants a computer can have one. Why? Because the bigger companies insist on the formalities - nonsense such as credit score, proof of checking account, and valid proof of life. We at Econosoft say 'feh' to all the red tape! Our Brand Name brand-name computers are 100% functional as gaming machines, word processors, MP3 players, and web browsers. Plus, every machine comes with the Econosoft Seal of Approval from Q.A. Inspector #3. Guaranteed to serve you well for at least the next couple of days. Occasional breakage is expected and encouraged."

"Werkbunnst Commonality Chair: Eons ago, ancient Sims were forced to squat around the campfire for lack of a better arrangement. Then, an industrious proto-Simian found he could string several sticks together and sit on it more comfortably than simply crouching. Thus, the chair was invented. Modern Sims take their seats for granted, making them lavishly plush and plushishly lavish, then selling them for hundreds, if not thousands of simoleons! Return to the primaeval days of functionality over comfort with the Werkbunnst Commonality Chair."

"'Der Rockenhaus' Guitar from Umlaut, Ltd.: The gift of death metal does not smile upon the good-looking, the un-Scandinavian, or the otherwise talented. Are you ugly enough, Scandinavian enough, and untalented enough to break into death metal? Or are you going to use this guitar for the putrid strains of skater rock? There's nothing 'skater' about this heavy-duty industrial-strength guitar. Of course, if you do decide to under-utilise this monolith to grunge by using it to scream out hair metal, go ahead. It's not like we care."

"MAD 1337 Evil Genius Computer Station: Behold... the Multiple Adjunctive Dataport 1337: the ultimate computer terminal for only the backhackingest hackers in the entire world! 3.26 exabytes of memory on 4 hard disks, native 6G wireless broadband connection, and five screens to see everything with! A secret connection to the security cameras around the neighbourhood that no one's supposed to know about provide the user with unprecedented spying ability. Plus, its hulking frame and dark grey colour can be used to scare away those pesky n00bs! With the MAD 1337, you'll be asking yourself, 'Am I the evil genius? Or is the computer?'"

"The Pensive Robot: At first glance, a beautiful young Sim sitting on a bench, thinking about life. However, according to the artist, postmodernist Duncan E. Valley, the Sim is actually an inactive robot. 'Taking such a pleasing form as this,' Valley said, 'robots become the most repulsive things ever when their true natures are revealed.' For whatever reason, 'The Pensive Robot' is the most frequently-visited painting in the entire SimCity Museum of Modern Art. Uncanny."

That should do for now.
Oh, and Happy Luigi Day!

Posted by theniftyperson at 12:07 AM CST

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